STEALING FIRST BASE

SEASON 21 EPISODE 15 (EPISODE 456)

THIS IS IT:

This is a quirky little episode more about two set pieces than an actual story.  Ultimately this is how it tends to be these days.  It begins with Homer taking Bart and Lisa to school with the aid of his new GPS.  Unfortunately things go bad from the off as it is metric and the mere mention of Metres screws with Homer’s mind.  From here the gadget leads them into a construction site and the inevitable destruction ensues.  When the kids finally get to school it is to the news that Mrs Krabappel has had to go to Portland and as a result the two fourth grade classes have to be merged.  As the classes have to share desks Bart ends up with a girl called Nikki Mckenna while Nelson sits with a blind boy called Kevin.  Meanwhile in Lisa’s class when they receive their recent tests back it turns out that the whole class did well except for Lisa who got an F.  Initially she thinks it is just a bad dream and denies it is real until she launches herself off her desk and lands painfully square on her face.  Back in the fourth grade while Bart reads “The Hungry Hungry Caterpillar”, Nikki reads “Red Moon” which prompts them to argue about what vampires really are.  Surprisingly Bart makes a very good argument by way of a good drawing which Nikki describes as an “awesome picture” before allowing him to draw a Sharpy tattoo of a robot barfing screws on her arm.  Back to Lisa and she is worried about Harvard discovering her F, as unfortunately their space satellite already has.  At this point she is joined by various classmates who since the bad grade suddenly seen Lisa as being a bit cooler.  Sadly her new found popularity proves only fleeting as Miss Hoover discovers that there was a mix up with her test and she actually got an A+++ as it seems the F belonged to Ralph.  At this point she is verbally assaulted by a “gifted!  Gifted!” chant.  Back to Bart and he soughts female advice from his dad who is pretending to be repairing Marge’s car but has actually just placed a fake pair of legs beneath it.  At this point Marge rumbles Homer who is to busy to help Bart and suggests he go ask Grandpa’s advice who suggests the best way to a female’s heart is to “steal a kiss.”  Back at school Bart discovers that Nikki skateboards too and then when parked at the top of a slide off the back of Grandpa’s advice he kisses her which only prompts disgust and a scream.  With this both sets of parents are called into school for a meeting with Principal Skinner.  Her parents refer to the kiss as “engaging in inappropriate mouth on mouth contact”  Grateful for getting him out of work Homer says that he could kiss Nikki’s mother before she points out that she is an attorney and her husband a federal prosecutor.  They insist to Skinner that the school become an “affection free environment” otherwise they will sue.  Back home Marge and Homer grill Bart before taking him to the cinema as a “wholesome way to take your mind off girls.”  The movie Bart and Homer watch is Koyaanis-Scratchy: Death Out Of Balance.  Back at school Lisa updates her blog “Monday Mulchings” stating that she is too sad to do a proper entry at which point a user called FLOTUS1 leaves a comment encouraging her to continue.  At this point Skinner announces over the intercom for all students to report to an “attorney mandated school assembly”.  With this the assembly hosted by Superintendent Chalmers contains a “skit or sketch” featuring Principal Skinner as Bart and Groundskeeper Willie as Nikki re-enacting the kiss and demonstrating the behaviour Chalmers wishes the students would save for middle school.  When the pupils fail to take things seriously Chalmers forces the roleplay to last past sundown.  As a new tone grips the school Bart opens his locker to discover Nikki waiting inside to kiss him (“now look who’s all confused”).  At the same time outside in the playground a helicopter lands just as Willie is raking up some leaves which are blown towards and cover Lisa.  When it lands Michelle Obama emerges to meet a fellow overachiever.  At this point Nelson reveals himself to be a huge fan of the First Lady.  It turns out that she is FLOTUS1 and an avid reader of her blog.  She offers Lisa some encourage words and tells the kids to be nice to her “because some day the overachievers will be running the country.”  As they watch the helicopter fly away Bart and Nikki sat on the roof discuss whether they are boyfriend and girlfriend now.  After a minor argument Bart bangs his head and falls off the roof.  At this point Nikki thinks he is dad and begins crying declaring that she loves him only to retract the statement when she notices that he’s breathing and calls him a loser.  By now most of the school have surrounded Bart lying on the floor as Willie prods him with a broom handle to see if he is still alive.  When he spots that he is still breathing Willie calls out to see who knows “gob to gob” (also known as “mutton hole to mutton hole”).  Unfortunately due to the recent legal threats Chalmers insists that nobody goes near Bart until the ambulance comes (“any physical contact violates our school’s No Touch policy”).  Suddenly Nikki emerges through the crowd saying she knows CPR but Skinner refuses to allow her to save Bart.  Despite this she gets past him and to Bart where a lifesaving montage occurs featuring famous screen kisses through the ages.  When Bart comes around Willie complains about the standard of the kiss and grabs Skinner.  Suddenly a nice, more casual atmosphere is returned to the school.  And Kevin the blind kid tells Nelson that he is no longer needed to help him with him touching his face to tell what he looks like and commenting “I said your face, not your butt.”  With the kid now seemingly comfortable enough to mock him Nelson punches Kevin who says “your punch restored my vision” to sucker Nelson (“the student has become the master”).  The episode ends with Bart thanking Nikki for saving his life at which point she requests “can we just pretend that never happened”.  Bart responds “I don’t get you, you’re hot, you’re cold, what is your deal?” garnering the response “oh Bart, you’ve got a few things to learn about women….and I will never tell you what they are.”  Bart then gives up saying “smell you later” only for Nikki to run after him and give him a long peck on the cheek prompting him to yell out “I love you”.  What a nightmare, so accurate and real, a prized portrayal of life and the human condition.

IS IT ANY GOOD:

It’s OK.  This is one of the modern episodes that feels more about sketches and gags as opposed to storylines.

WHAT IT TAUGHT ME:

It is not just me that gets driven insane by the erratic behaviour of females.

EXTERNAL REFERENCES:

To make room for the assembly the third grades performance of My Fair Lady has to be cancelled which is “rum news”.  Famous screen kisses during the montage include: Gone With The Wind, Lady And The Tramp, Planet Of The Apes, On Golden Pond, Ghost, Spiderman, Star Trek, Beauty And The Beast (TV series), Wall-E, Alien 3 and Godfather 2

BEST LINES:

“Stupid kid thinks he’s smarter than a computer.”  “Apparently the people she hired to deprogram her sister from the cult turned out to be an even worse cult.”  “And they (vampires) don’t put product in their hair like this loser.”  “I cheated wrong, I copied the Lisa name and used the Ralph answers.”  “Talk to Grandpa, he used to be a man.”  “This is awesome, if only real life was in 3D.”  “The glasses smell like the last guy who wore them had pizza.”  “Hey Willie, does he taste like failure?”  “I got As back when As were hard to get.”  “I want you to act the same way two days in a row.”  “Nikki no, I prefer a dead child to a lawsuit from your parents.”

BEST JOKES:

Nelson changing and being protective to the blind kid.  Bart “tuning up the old armpit”.  Homer’s fake legs beneath Marge’s car.  Grandpa trying to unpeel a banana (“give up the goods you yellow devil”).  Grandpa’s memory being like a fuzzy TV screen.  Grandpa thinks clubbing a lady and taking her back to your cave is getting to second base.

PERIPHERAL MOMENT:

Nelson’s Classy Girls lunchbox.  Nikki eats “Fruit By The Foot” bars in Franken Cherry flavour.  The latest young adult vampire book is called “Red Moon”.  Nikki’s parents are called Brody and Madison Mckenna, they are a federal prosecutor and attorney respectively.  Lisa has a blog called Monday Mulchings.  Abstinence posters include: “Alaska Nebraska Says “I Took The No Touching Pledge”, “Cooties Are Real” and “Loose Lips Sink (Scholar) Ships”  Ralph has the username FLOTUS because he “swims with his flotuses on”.

REALITY CROSSOVER:

Dating females called Nikki is trouble because they tend to be insane (says he who has dated two of them).

MVP:

Grandpa does some wonderfully confused things.

GUEST APPEARANCES:

Sarah Silverman as Nikki, Bart’s prospective girlfriend and Angela Bassett as Michelle Obama.

SONGS:

The Bart and Nikki skating montage is done to a song that sounds very much like Kraftwerk (but is not).

EPISODE LINKS:

No real explicit links

PERCULARITIES:

There is a second fourth grade class?  Who is that teacher?  What happened to Nikki after this episode?

BART ON THE BLACKBOARD:

World War II could not beat up World War I.

OTHER:

Ralph comes up with two very great lines in this one.

FINAL WORDS:

This episode is just painfully accurate.

MAYORED TO THE MOB

SEASON 10 EPISODE 9 (EPISODE 212)

THIS IS IT:

Here is what happens when Homer becomes a bodyguard.  It begins with the family watching TV and the conclusion of the “Thousand Dollar Movie” “Roger Corman’s Titanic”.  Just before the end of the movie an advert is run for the Bi-Monthly Science Fiction Convention (“Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con”) with this month’s guests being Mark Hamill and Alf along with robot wrestling.  They attend the convention on the basis “it beats work” and “it beats school”.  After a nice circuit of proceedings Mayor Quimby addresses the crowd and introduces Mark Hamill who emerges from a space ship swinging a lightsaber taking out cut outs of three Stormtroopers and one Wonder Woman.  As he begins addressing the crowd he reveals that he is promoting Sprint telecom.  With this discouraged he offers to act out a scene calling for a volunteer to play Obi-Wan Kenobi.  People offering include Skinner, Lenny, Karl and Professor Frink.  Then Groundskeeper Willy (in a Chewbacca t-shirt) punches Frink after questioning his lightsaber sound and suddenly a riot ensues.  They corner Hamill and Quimby while his bodyguards sit on the bonnet of his car commenting how fluffy the clouds look.  Enraged by the swarm of nerds Homer plunders through the crowd and rescues the pair of them introducing himself as “Homer Simpson – Nerd Buster.”  He carries Hamill out who climbs to have twisted his ankle.  At first Homer leads them into the spaceship only to re-enter commenting “how was I supposed to know it’s not a real spaceship?”  Once outside it is revealed that Hamill’s ankle was fine all along and when Quimby’s bodyguards approach him (“Hi boss, we were just talking about you.”) they are promptly fired from their jobs.  With this he appoints Homer as his new bodyguard.  From here he attends Leavelle’s Bodyguard Academy.  Also attending it Kirk Van Houten.  When given watermelons to use as their protectees Homer is given Ann Landers, which he wastes no time in eating.  The class isn’t the greatest but being that their cheques clear they all graduate.  In honour of their achievement Leavelle sings a version of the “Bodyguard Theme” in celebration.  Now a fully qualified bodyguard a dressed up Homer uses his knowledge around the house referring to guarding Marge safely home as “the pig in the poke.”  Cavalierly he uses his new sleeper hold on his family and then himself to get a thirty minute nap.  Before long he is driving Quimby around Springfield “representing the office of the mayor” with one of his first acts being to honk the car horn at a red headed lady.  Homer takes Quimby to Moe’s where he bribes the mayor being that it is health inspection season which is the first in a number of bribes that Homer witnesses Quimby receiving.  Later at the Legitimate Businessman’s Social Club, Mayor Quimby hands the School Milk Concession to Fat Tony.  Elsewhere while Homer is speaking with Fat Tony’s associates a rat steals the last cannoli and carries it into the “Milking Room” where upon entry Homer discovers that Fat Tony is supplying rat milk to Springfield Elementary.  This outrages Quimby stating that he was promised “dog or higher.”  From here Homer runs into the school where all the kids are drinking cartons of Squeaky Farms Brand Genuine Animal Milk including Bart and Lisa.  Horrified Homer heads to the Springfield Municipal Building where he confronts Quimby on the subject who at the time is running on a treadmill.  As Homer bangs his fists on the machine he accidentally presses the speed button prompting Quimby to go flying out of the window.  Fortunately he grips onto a ledge and Homer is able to pull him up and in on the provision that he gets the rat milk out of the schools.  Soon after this Chief Wiggum and his squad bust Fat Tony while they are playing poker.  Fat Tony tells them they should consult with Mayor Quimby who bursts in afterwards saying “not this time” who comments “I’m not so much disappointed as blinded with rage.”  “And so as the rat’s milk is returned to the sewers, the circle of life is complete.”  From here while being interview by Kent Brockman, Fat Tony takes the opportunity to remind Mayor Quimby that “accidents will happen, like the killing of you by us.”  Then as with these things less than thirty seconds later Fat Tony is out on bail and Homer is now wearing a bulletproof vest to work.  With this he asks Bart to go start his car to which Marge naturally and sensibly objects.  In the end he takes a cab.  When Homer picks Quimby up, out of fear Quimby is resigning himself to a night at home with his wife.  Eventually Homer persuades the mayor that it is safe when he tells him “I’m going to take you where you can forget all about gangsters” and the ill judged performance of Guys And Dolls at Springfield Dinner Theater where Mark Hamill is starring as Nathan Detroit.  Also in attendance is the Flanders family, Burns and Smithers, Fat Tony, Reverend Lovejoy and Dr Hibbert.  Fat Tony passes on a kiss to Homer to give to Quimby.  Paranoid Homer suspects Fat Tony of poisoning Quimby’s food so he takes appropriate precaution.  Hamill performs the role of Nathan Detroit dressed as Luke Skywalker complete with lightsaber (“this is a conceptual nightmare.”)  By mistake one of Tony’s henchmen Louie winds up in the show doing one of Hamill’s numbers when he should have been stabbing Quimby.  Now having stolen his part Hamill begins a fight before the associate (Louie) makes another attempt at Quimby at which Homer prevents the killing and while holding the knife Hamill tells him “use the forks” to defend himself thinking that he says “use the Force.”  At this point Homer declares victory only to spot Fat Tony clubbing Mayor Quimby over the head with a baseball bat.  In the aftermath with Quimby in hospital, Mark Hamill delivers some assuring good news before they step outside to a hoard of fans at which point Homer revisits his role as bodyguard and carries Hamill kicking his way through the crowd of autograph hunters and well-wishers to the sound of the “I Will Always Love You” this time sung by Whitney Houston.

IS IT ANY GOOD:

Yes it’s really good with all the Star Wars and gangster references.

WHAT IT TAUGHT ME:

Regardless of their public personas people in politics are corrupt.

EXTERNAL REFERENCES:

Homer asking Bart to start his car for him because he fears a bomb is attached is straight from The Godfather 2.  And so is the kiss.  There are some great Star Wars references in addition to various other general science fiction connections.  In the Springfield Dinner Theatre performance of Guys And Dolls Mark Hamill changes the words of “Luck By A Lady Tonight” to “Luke Be A Jedi Tonight”.

BEST LINES:

“You stupid little tramp, you’re so boring, I hate you” C3P0 to R2D2.  “Use your lightsaber”, “And break it?  George Lucas makes me pay for these.”  “Those wacky gangsters, what are gonna do?”  “Six queens.  Read ‘em and weep.”  “You’re all talk Hamill; you never even finished Jedi school.”

BEST JOKES:

Tag team robot wrestling at the Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con featuring the mighty robots of Battlestar Galactica vs. the gay robots of Star Wars (R2D2 and C3P0).  The Lost In Space going “Danger! Danger! Bart Simpson” when Dr Smith attempts to meet up with him later in the food court.  Quimby commenting “the Mayor’s Office is not for sale” prompting much hilarity from the police and press alike.

PERIPHERAL MOMENT:

The tagline of the Science Fiction Convention is “set phasers on fun”.  Chewbacca isn’t allowed into the event because it is full.  Uter is wearing a Futurama t-shirt.  Signing autographs are Gort, Tom Baker, Godzilla, Neil Armstrong and Dr Smith from Lost In Space.  Mrs Krabappel is dressed as Barbarella and Skinner dressed as Spock.  Comic Book Guy is wearing a t-shirt that says Alien Biopsy while a prospective female interest is wearing an Alien Autopsy t-shirt to whom he admits he is a 45 year old virgin who lives with his parents.  Leavelle’s Bodyguard Academy is A Division Of Ray-Ban.

REALITY CROSSOVER:

I have attended science fiction conventions and the portrayal here of one isn’t far off.

MVP:

Fat Tony.  Understated and awesome as ever.

GUEST APPEARANCES:

Mark Hamill appears as himself at the Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con although sadly Alf does not make a similar appearance even though scheduled/billed.  C3-P0 also appears but not voiced by Anthony Daniels.  And as ever Joe Mantegna as Fat Tony.  Also Dick Tufeld the voice of the robot from Lost In Space.

SONGS:

“I Will Always Love You” performed by both Leavelle from the Bodyguard Academy and Whitney Houston.

EPISODE LINKS:

Several subtle but none explicit.

PERCULARITIES:

How is Homer yet again able to drop his job at the nuclear plant to pursue yet another vocation?

BART ON THE BLACKBOARD:

“The president did it” is not an excuse.

OTHER:

This is a golden era episode.

FINAL WORDS:

These days I don’t think references are allowed to be so specific.