Wednesday 29 September 2010

THE FIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS


SEASON 22 EPISODE 8 (EPISODE 472)

THIS IS IT:
The Fight Before Christmas was the 2010 festive episode taking something of an angular Treehouse Of Horror format (four short stories) take on the holiday season.  It begins with Marge on the roof of 742 Evergreen Terrace putting up the decorations and switching on the lights while being attacked by bats (“wrong holiday”).  When her sleigh model falls off the roof she shouts out to Homer that she could do with some help to which he responds that he is busy watching a re-run of an important American football game at which point Maggie pops up in front of him wanting to watching her A Fluppet Christmas Special DVD.  With this we cut to Lisa wrapping the Christmas tree with yellow “police line do not cross” tape telling Marge that she is “marking a crime scene” before bringing out a “Fir Is Murder” sign.  At this point Marge points out that Lisa will be picking holes in her gingerbread house next (“you mean your gingerbread McMansion”) which Homer promptly defends before beginning to eat some gingerbread men which Bart grabs from him to put out for Santa Claus.  Marge comments how it is good that at least one person is in the Christmas style however it turns out that Bart is just putting the biscuits out as bait so that he can capture Father Christmas (which he will do so with his BB gun).  The reason for this is that for the past three years he has asked for a dirt bike but instead only got toys that he immediately broke.  Disheartened Marge walks off commenting “even Matt Davis himself couldn’t save this Christmas” prompting a rare Marge “doh!”  At the stroke of midnight while Bart sleeps he is wakened by the sound of a steam train outside.  With this he runs outside and it is Otto manning the Polar Express.  This version of the Polar Express is fuelled by hemp making things somewhat psychedelic while soundtracked by The Doors.  When the train gets to the North Pole Bart gets off and approaches an elf that resembles Moe (which he mistakes for a goblin) and asks him how to get to Santa.  Moe responds that “only the top elves get to see Santa, you start in the wrapping room”.  After taking the freight elevator down to the Wrapping Room only Milhouse and Nelson are at work causing Bart to question “isn’t this the busy season?  Where is everybody?”  Apparently they have all been laid off.  Bart then points out that you don’t need to wrap everything you just need to put bows on things and they are ready.  This causes Moe to comment “you are clearly too smart to be down here with these dinglebells” and he immediately promotes Bart to Toy Inspector.  Suddenly Milhouse and Nelson get laid off to which Nelson responds “I can’t lose my health insurance my lungs are full of candy cane dust”.  Moe then says they can go work for the Easter Bunny before remembering that “he ain’t real”.  Down in the Inspection Room Bart begins work rebranding defective toys (eg a bear missing an eye becomes a pirate bear) as Moe notes “kid, you’ve got a lot of shoddy money saving ideas.  Like a major airline but you were here on time”.  We then cut to the Clausco Building where Bart emerges from an upper floor elevator with a suspicious looking long present.  Playing piano on this floor is Schroeder from Peanuts while two elves are painting “Bart Simpson – Vice President” onto the door of his new office.  At this point Lisa approaches saying “so you’re the brown-nosed reindeer that’s jingled all the way to the top”.  He responds “just point me to Santa” as she clocks him as remaining looking for revenge for the toy that he never got revealing the BB gun hidden in his present.  With this threat Lisa calls for security as two snowmen in caps come running towards them only to melt away as Bart turns the heating to max.  In the puddle of one of the snowmen is the sad sight of a photograph of him and his family having fallen from his wallet.  Coldly Bart just picks up the carrot from his nose and takes a bite.  From here Bart kicks down Santa’s door where Krusty is playing the part.  As he looks around Bart sees that the place has fallen into ruin but still threats for his dirt bike to which Krusty/Santa responds “kid, this company is bust.  For years I have been giving out free toys and getting cookies in return, it’s not a sustainable business model”.  Bart responds “oh come on, things aren’t that bad” as Krusty/Santa points out that he’s eating his own reindeer.  On this revelation Bart says “you win” and Krusty/Santa tells him to head home as “there maybe a pair of work socks under your tree”.  At this point Krusty/Santa reveals that Bart has been away 25 years of earth time.  With Bart now gone Krusty/Santa says “kids never change, always dumb as potatoes” as he presses a secret button that transfers his office into a glittering nightclub type room with Run DMC “Christmas In Hollis” playing.  As Bart returns home the Polar Express finds itself being chased by Chief Wiggum in a flying police car causing Otto to panic and jump train.  The episode then cuts back to 742 Evergreen Terrace where Lisa is looking out of the window in horror at all the cut down Christmas trees being ferried on the back of trucks.  When she falls asleep her dream transports her to December 1944 where it turns out Marge is fighting overseas in World War II.  Meanwhile Homer is working at the Springfield Bomber Factory where he has wound up working because he is “too fat to fit in a foxhole” to serve in the army.  After work Homer brings home a tree which Lisa orders him not to bring into the house.  Homer responds “you don’t want a Christmas tree?  That’s crazy.  Next you won’t want a Christmas ham” to which she replies “don’t worry about that, I love meant and I always will”.  It turns out that her reason for disliking Christmas trees stems from Christmas 1943 when while shopping for said tree Marge was told that she was shipping out that night (“right before Christmas?”, “Hitler doesn’t take a holiday”).  So as a result Lisa never wants to see another Christmas tree until Marge comes back from duty safe and sound.  At this point Homer assures Lisa that Marge is safe (“they’d tell us as soon as they could”) just as a courier delivers a telegram informing that Marge is M.I.A., which Homer thinks means she has changed her name.  Distraught Lisa runs through the street repeatedly seeing Christmas trees (including Ralph decorated like a Christmas tree) serving as callous timely reminders.  Ending up in the Christmas tree lot Lisa bumps into the owner who says he has “been waiting for you” before handing her the tree Marge paid for last year which curiously is shaped like herself.  Back home Homer asks Bart “whose turn is it to cry?” to which he responds “yours”.  This prompts Grandpa to tell them to stop bellyaching before inadvertently revealing the frontpage of the newspaper to show the picture of a map on the cover that is shaped like Marge prompting the pair of them to begin crying.  With this Lisa arrives back with the tree shaped like Marge announcing how it represents their missing mother.  From here they decorate the tree while singing “O Tannebaum” in full German.  Who says Americans don’t do irony?  Meanwhile in Nazi occupied France Hitler is at La Gamaar watching Dummkopf (the Nazi version of Dumbo) as Marge sneaks into the cinema through the front door.  Inside Hitler is sat with the star of Dummkopf who steals the fuhrer’s popcorn while he is laughing at the bombing of London scene.  Behind the screen Marge sets fire to several reels of film before ripping through the screen with a machine gun aiming it at Hitler (“nein nein nein, why did I go to the 9 o’clock show?”) before ripping off his moustache and placing it on the soldier sat to his right.  The episode cuts to a shot of a door marked “ausgang” as machine gun fire is heard and while Marge walks away from the cinema it explodes in the background prompting her to say “auf wiedersehen”.  After this Lisa wakes commenting that this is the last time she ever brings these two to bed at the same time (a toy elephant and a copy of the book The Rise And Fall Of The Third Reich).  The third part of the episode features Marge writing a letter to Martha Stewart asking for help.  Upon receipt of the letter (miraculously delivered after sweeping out her hands through the window onto the screen of a U.S, mail truck that crashed and burned) she announces “Marge Simpson, I’m on my way” as she quickly finishes off knitting a rocket pack.  When she arrives she wakes Marge by saying “magical memories don’t make themselves”.  Somewhat surprised Marge asks “how did you get in here?” to which Martha reveals “a picket fence stood on its side makes a sturdy and attractive ladder”.  From here Stewart proceeds to make her bed including cutting up Marge’s wedding dress to make a dust ruffle (whatever that is).  When Bart and Milhouse run in dirty after a snowball fight cum mud fight she promptly turns them into two nutcracker toy soldier ornaments using coal scuttles for the hat and red gaffer tape for everything else before finishing off the look by using two table tennis bats wrapped in silver foil as the keys.  From here Lisa shows Stewart her homemade star from the tree made from discarded water bottles which she says is lovely before suggesting the superior method she would have used.  Having sorted out (and upset) the kids she turns her attention to the snoring Homer who has fallen asleep on the sofa reading Modern Fat Denier magazine.  Covering him with a curtain and placing various models on his being she soon turns him into a traditional Christmas tableau (whatever that is).  Then as Homer begins to come around Stewart knocks him out with some of her hubby’s holiday helper.  With everything now attended to Marge comments positively how it resembles the Christmas of a childless gay couple but resigns to it “just not being the same”.  With this she waves her wand and returns the Simpsons Christmas to what it was.  At this point Marge wakes up saying “I guess I’ll never have a perfect Christmas” just as the family come into her room wishing Merry Christmas complete with breakfast in bed in the form of the ingredients (“now we just have to make it”).  As Marge smiles they begin singing “It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Breakfast” and Homer attempts to make breakfast before messing it up and changing the song to “We’re Gonna Go Out For Breakfast” (“it’ll be any place you choose, as long as its run by Jews, ‘cause they don’t think this holiday’s so great”).  Finally Maggie’s dream begins with her curled up with A Fluppet Christmas Special as we are entered into a wonderful puppet version of The Simpsons.  They look truly fantastic made this way, something you would want to watch for an entire episode.  And its film in front of a life studio audience (well, with canned laughter).  The section begins with Homer carrying cases in a Hawaiian shirt singing an “Aloha” song.  With this Lisa runs in asking if he got a good house sitter at which point Moe appears to a booing response from the audience.  After saying “sticks and stones may break my bones…” the audience proceeds to pelt him with said items until he spot cookies and runs over to devour them in the style of Cookie Monster.  Homer reminds Lisa to “pack only necessities” which to her is a saxophone and him is a six pack of Duff.  Meanwhile Moe is on the phone speaking to a lady (“hey baby”) inviting her to his new “bachelor pad at 742 Evergreen Terrace”.  After the call the phone remains stuck to his hand as a human hand appears to rip it off.  Now ready to leave Homer announces “nothing stands behind us and sunny Hawaii” as suddenly Mr Burns arrives at the door declaring “Merry Humbug everyone”.  Homer confesses that he got the week off work by telling Burns that he has a neck injury so he quickly attaches a false neck brace as Burns enters the room.  Homer asks Burns why he has come to visit as he replies “last night I had a visit from three spirits” as the camera cuts to Grandpa and Jasper in a box taking the role of Statler and Waldorf with Grandpa commenting “I wish this show had a visit from three new writers”.  Burns then spots the luggage and asks if Homer is going anywhere which coincides with Moe entering the room with a surfboard saying “hey guys you’ll need this on your trip to Hawaii” before Homer bashes him with said board prompting Burns to comment “your goblin fainted”.  As Burns asks “Simpson, where’s your Christmas tree?” the doorbell rings and it is Homer dragging in Flanders’ white tree with Flanders attempting to wrestle it back.  Eventually Homer wins, ripping off both Ned’s arms in the process.  Satisfied by this Burns says “I won’t interrupt you any longer, Merry Christmas to all” at which point popstar/fashionista Katy Perry in human form wearing a red rubber dress with pictures of the family on appears looking for her boyfriend Moe.  She immediately asks “what are you people doing in my boyfriend Moe’s bachelor pad?” prompting a gasp of shock.  With this Moe returns stating “that’s right, she’s into puppets” causing Burns to ask “what’s going on here?”  Homer comes clean over his lie so Burns orders “release the hounds” as only barks are heard and no hounds are seen.  Then up pops up sock puppet stating “we blew the budget on Katy Perry”.  Seeing the situation Perry helpfully announces “someone totally needs a hug” as she grabs Burns who says “I kissed a girl and I liked it”.  As a result “all is forgiven” and the Simpsons are free to go to Hawaii once they have all sung one Christmas carol in the form of the original unabridged 39 Days Of Christmas.  From here they sing down to the 30th day before it is announced that tonight’s episode was brought to you by the symbol umlaut and the number e (“not the letter e but the number whose exponential function is the derivative of itself”) which then cuts to Jasper and Grandpa as he comments “well, its been a long run but I think this will kill it” to which Jasper responds “what The Simpsons?”  “No, Christmas”.  And we laugh.  The credits then role as the remaining days thirty to twelve are sung out (with twenty eight being a repeat) before the final cut is to Moe hopping to try and kiss Katy Perry at which point he gives in and says “I’ll just kiss your belly button” at which point she replies “that’s not my belly button but I didn’t say stop” in what is one of the filthiest jokes in Simpsons history.

IS IT ANY GOOD:
This is a dense fucking episode, essentially four modern episodes squeezed into one.

WHAT IT TAUGHT ME:
Christmas is complex and even the most wholesome stories can be mutated and mocked.  That and Katy Perry is quite attractive.

EXTERNAL REFERENCES:
The Polar Express.  Dumbo in Germany was Dummkopf and featured a flying elephant dropping a bomb on Big Ben, Westminster, the Houses Of Parliament, a red double decker bus and the Royal Shakespeare Company.  And then Dummkopf chokes Winston Churchill with his trunk.

BEST LINES:
“Three gingerbread workmen died making that”.  “But you wanted those toys”, “I wanted them until I got them”.  “Someday TV will be invented and it will be free and then it will cost money”.  “Your goblin fainted”.

BEST JOKES:
I like Grandpa and Jasper taking the role of Statler and Waldorf.

PERIPHERAL MOMENT:
A Fluppet Christmas Special.  The model of Bart’s ball bearing gun is BB King.  The sign in the Wrapping Room that says “Report Nog Abuse”.  The 1944 Studebaker calendar with the tagline “the car of the future”.  The Springfield Bomber Factory in 1944 was previously Mama Mussolini’s Meatball Factory.  Homer’s co-workers at the Springfield Bomber Factory include Mrs Skinner, Mrs Van Houten and Mrs Wiggum.  In 1944 there was an Itchy & Scratchy “Loose Lips Sink Ships” poster featuring Itchy cutting Scratchy’s lips off.  The 1944 newspaper War Extra edition features the headline “Allied Armies Advance” and a map that resembles the shape of Marge.  Martha Stewart’s homemade magic wand is made up of: an old car antenna marinated overnight in the tears of a heartbroken leprechaun baked at 350 until a rainbow shoots out of the oven.  The 39 Days Of Christmas are: 39 Fopps-a-fopping, 38 Fishwipes hugging, 37 Coopers cooping, 36 boot blacks boffing, 35 buskers busking, 34 something something, 33 ???, 32 Dutchmen plotting, 31 Doctor’s leeching, 30 year average lifespan, 29 Smiths a-forging, 28 coopers cooping, 27 eelers eeling, 26 anarchists bombing, 25 swamis foreseeing, 24 sideburns curling, 23 monks a-chanting, 22 rats a-plaguing, 21 coxswains calling, 20 flautists fluting, 19 footmen bowing, 18 gungas dinning, 17 seventy-si-ix, 16 midwives birthing, 15 alienists aliening, 14 jacks a-ripping, 13 scriveners scrivening, 12 lords a-leaping (it ends).

REALITY CROSSOVER:
Not in this one.

MVP:
Moe.

GUEST APPEARANCES:
Katy Perry and Martha Stewart.

SONGS:
“Strange Days” by The Doors and “Christmas In Hollis” by Run DMC.

EPISODE LINKS:
It’s just a Christmas episode.

PERCULARITIES:
Katy Perry liking Moe.

BART ON THE BLACKBOARD:
No blackboard, it has a cold opening.

OTHER:
I would pay to see a full episode of Muppet Simpsons.

FINAL WORDS:
There is still life left in this show yet.

Saturday 11 September 2010

THE PRINCIPAL AND THE PAUPER


SEASON 9 EPISODE 2 (EPISODE 180)

THIS IS IT:
This is the Seymour Skinner story.  Sort of.  It is one of those weird Simpsons episodes that is stand alone and feels the equivalent of “let’s never speak of this again” (which is reiterated at the end).  From a continuity perspective it is infuriating but on the plus side it features Martin Sheen.  The episode opens with Principal Skinner walking along the corridors of Springfield Elementary at 3PM inspecting his school (“I have it going on”).  Meanwhile Superintendent Chalmers, who has been following him, steps into the Faculty Lounge complaining “God lord!  The rod up that man’s butt must have a rod up its butt”.  At this point Miss Krabappel offers him a cup of coffee flavoured beverine which he takes grey with creamium.  At this point he makes an announcement that in hour of Skinner’s 20th year as principal they have decided to hold a surprise tribute on the coming Friday night.  At this point Groundskeeper Willy pipes up “it’s my 20th year too” which prompts Chalmers to cruelly respond “the teachers’ lounge is for teachers Willy” causing him to spit on the floor as he leaves.  We cut to Lisa’s classroom where Miss Hoover is requesting a volunteer to present an oral report on Principal Skinner’s life at the tribute.  Obviously she is thinking of Lisa but naturally Ralph puts up his hand asking the famous question: “Miss Hoover, which one is oral?” to which she responds with the handy rhyme “out of your mouth, Ralph”.  In the end she selects Lisa but to keep things fair she suggests that she and Ralph can do the presentation together.  Back home Bart is scooping up meatballs with little American flags inserts causing Marge to ask what he’s doing to which he responds “our class is making refreshments for Skinner’s party.  These are in honour of his army days” to which Marge says “that explains the flags but what about the dog food?”  “My theory is, Skinner likes dog food” at which point Homer comes along excitedly declaring “a fresh batch of America balls” before scoffing them.  With this we cut to Skinner’s house where he is making his weekly silhouette at which point his mother screams asking him what the time is (“7 o’clock Friday night, time for our weekly silhouette”).  At this point she steps in all dressed up saying “no, cutting out your ugly nose gives me a hand cramp”).  Soon Skinner notices that his mother is all dressed up as he enquires why to the battering response “because I’m sick of this house and I’m sick of you.  Tonight we’re going for a drive”.  He asks “what’s so special about tonight?” to which she insists “nothing.  Now put on your special suit and get in the car”.  From here he drives to the school where on the sign outside it says “Tonight: Surprise Tribute to Seymour Skinner”.  Curious about the visit Skinner asks Agnes what the sign says at which point she slaps him before leading him into the gymnasium where several members of the community jump out as a surprise.  With this Skinner sheds a tear and says “mother, you are still the master of deception”.  We cut to Lisa and Ralph giving their presentation with Lisa reading facts about Skinner’s army exploits while Ralph makes simple but sweet statements.  The music teacher then conducts his class singing the theme to Flipper albeit with the words changed to “they call him Skinner, no one you see is stricter than he”.  At this point a shady character passes the school reading the sign out front in shock, telling his driver to stop.  Back inside at the tribute Superintendent Chalmers introduces the anniversary cake which is wheeled out by Bart and Milhouse at which point Bart says “hope you all brought forks and plates” as the camera cuts to Chief Wiggum gleefully displaying that he has brought his own.  With this Skinner goes up onstage to blow out the candles after which he shakes Bart’s hand where he has a hand buzzer which Skinner naively refers to as an “enjoyment buzzer”.  As he gives a thank you speech out of the shadows emerges another man claiming to be Skinner who Agnes recognises before promptly fainting.  With this Superintendent Chalmers requests that “would somebody please remove that crazy man” at which point Seymour confesses that he’s an impostor.  While the room reacts in shock Homer sneakily acts shocked while slowly moving towards the cake.  From here we cut to Skinner’s office where they are attempting to resuscitate Agnes and Chalmers asks the new man who he is.  It turns out that the existing Skinner was in the real Skinner’s platoon but he believed that he was killed on a scouting mission however he was just captured (“its kind of a funny story”).  In the end after fives in a POW camp in Vietnam he was sold to China for slave labour and since 1977 he has been making sneakers at gunpoint in a sweatshop.  It transpires that the U.N. just shut down the factory last week and the embassy shipped him home.  Asking the existing Skinner his story it is revealed that his real name is Armin Tamzarian prompting gasps from everyone in the room except for Bart who laughs his head off.  Tamzarian is an orphan from Capital City and was once himself a street punk.  Inevitably he was arrested at which point he was given the option of imprisonment, the military or apologising to the judge who he ran over and the old lady whose purse he stole.  He chose the army without realising that the Vietnam War was going on (“I probably would have apologised”).  He turns out to be a reckless soldier whose dreams “all involve combing my hair”.  Sad to hear this Sergeant Skinner tells him of his dream to return to Springfield and become principal of the school.  Tamzarian responds saying “some might call that a pretty corny dream” but he is sold and inspired.  With this Sergeant Skinner takes Tamzarian under his wing and shows him that life is worth living, thinking of him as the big brother he had never had.  One day after landing from a helicopter Skinner is hit by a large shell prompting everyone to believe that he is missing presumed dead and with that Tamzarian’s future dies again.  When he returns to the U.S. Tamzarian feels it his duty to return Skinner’s belongings at which point a confused Agnes thinks that he is Skinner.  She says that he looks different but still he “must be Seymour” at which point she cunningly points him in the direction of Skinner’s room (“upstairs, third door on the left”) subtly revealing that she knows what she is doing/scheming.  So with that Tamzarian makes his final confession that for the past 26 years he has been living out the real Skinner’s dream.  With this Agnes now disowns her existing son while also rejecting the real Seymour Skinner (“I have no son”).  Resigned to the situation Tamzarian announces “I guess I’ll have to find a hotel” at which point Chalmers says “I won’t hear of it, you can sleep on the floor of your office”.  The next morning Bart wakes Tamzarian after being sent to him by Krabappel for forging Homer’s signature on his report card although he doesn’t see this as being any different to Tamzarian stealing Skinner’s identity to which he concedes it would be somewhat hypocritical to punish Bart.  Later while buying groceries at the Kwik-E-Mart Tamzarian experiences identity confusion as to which name to sign his check with (“just put an X by your name and call yourself whatever the hell you want”).  At this point he tells Apu that there is no need for profanity saying that he is still the same person he was last week at which point Marge butts in and tells him he’s not, expressing distaste at being lied to (“to me you’re just a stranger pretending to be something he’s not”).  On that note he calls an assembly to announce his retirement (“effective as of the end of this sentence”) as he suggests/recommends Sergeant Skinner as his replacement (“if a man pretending to be me can do it then the real me must be far more qualified”).  With this Tamzarian moves out of the Skinner house and leaves Springfield visited Edna on the way.  She pleads with him to stay but he decides to leave the town forever.  On his way he visits his Stor-U-Stuff unit, puts on his old leather jacket announces “time to pick up where I left off, as a no good street punk”.  From here he rides his motorbike out of town.  We cut to a news storage by Kent Brockman of the town opening its arms to the new Seymour Skinner.  At a public address with Mayor Quimby he announces that Springfield beats the older slave labour camp.  Watching at home Lisa expresses some doubts over Sergeant Skinner expressing admiration for how Armin Tamzarian pulled himself up from the gutter with hard work.  Bart reiterates how he lied to everyone but Lisa says it was just a name using the “would a rose under any other name” cliché to which Bart counters “not if you called them “Stench Blossoms” as Homer adds “or Crap Weeds”.  Marge states that she would hate to receive Crap Weeds for Valentines Day and how she would prefer to receive candy.  To this Homer factors “not if they were called “Scum Drops”.  Back at Springfield Elementary the new Principal Skinner struggles as he despairs at the pupils’ inability to do the Pledge Of Allegiance (primarily Bart).  Skinner considers this an insult to everything he suffered for.  He also clashes with Edna when asking her to recite the pledge after describing her as “someone who gave their youth in service of their country” (“you haven’t dealt with women in a long time have you Sergeant”).  Meanwhile in Capital City Tamzarian is pushing his motorbike back in his old neighbourhood.  He spots a “Help Wanted” sign at Topless Nudes which he applies for and gets as the next thing we see is him stood outside wearing a sandwich board that says “Nude! Nude! Nude!” while he reads from a script “oh yes, oh yes.  Capital City’s nakedest ladies.  They’re not even wearing a smile not suggestively.  Yes six, count ‘em, six gorgeous ladies just dying for your leers and catcalls, yowsa yowsa”.  Back at the Skinner house in Springfield the time is 7.30PM and Agnes is stressing at Seymour asking where he has been.  He says that he’s been at a bar, something she claims not to know before ordering him to come straight home after school on Fridays as it is “silhouette night”.  With this Seymour states that he just really came home to change into a turtleneck before telling her that he is borrowing her car causing great tension for her.  The next time we see Agnes she is at the supermarket where Marge bumps into her and asks how her “new son is working out?”  Angrily she responds “that child is the most disobedient smart alecky middle aged man in creation” at which point Edna pops up asking “hello ladies is this the line for people that want to bad mouth Sergeant Skinner?”  Marge points out that it’s the line for ten items or less so Edna throws various items from her trolley to bring it down to ten before stating “the man’s a weenie”.  In his defence Marge states that Armin Tamzarian was just as big a weenie to which Edna cries “but he was our weenie” as Agnes adds “now there was a weenie you could be proud of to call your son”.  On this bombshell Marge asks “did you ever tell him that?”  With this we cut to Homer driving Edna, Agnes, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, Grandpa and Jasper to Capital City.  During the drive Grandpa tries it on with Agnes who responds “in your dreams” as he promptly nods off.  They find Tamzarian living at The Ritz-Carlton Hotel For Transients where the nine of them try to persuade him to return to Springfield.  Angered by this response Agnes tells him that she has been raising him for 26 years and that he is her real son stating that the real Seymour Skinner doesn’t need her and she doesn’t need him.  With this she orders him to go downstairs and get in the car before telling the rest of the group to do so too.  Homer drives Tamzarian straight to Springfield Elementary where a gathering crowd welcomes him back.  He announces that he is going to take over the school again.  On this announcement Mayor Quimby voices hesitation describing Armin Tamzarian as “an savoury character who played us all for chumps” prompting Homer to state that he “doesn’t care.  His mom doesn’t care.  Do any of you care?” to the resounding response of “no”.  With Sergeant Skinner points out that everyone seems to be forgetting that he is still around (“this is where I belong.  You can’t ask me to disappear just because you like some other guy better.  I gave half my life for you, aren’t I entitled to a little dignity?”).  With this Homer offers a solution that will satisfy the town and allow Sergeant Skinner to keep his dignity: tie him to a chair tied to a train wagon.  As he wheels out of Springfield Station Agnes walks along the side and apologises stating that he is “just not what I’m looking for in a son, I’m glad you understand” and with that he is gone.  Armin Tamzarian says this to be a nice gesture but says the town has to face the fact that he is not Seymour Skinner at which point Judge Snyder steps out and legally changes his name before decreeing “that everything will be just like it was before all this happened.  And no one will ever mention it again, under penalty of torture”.  On this announcement Agnes hands Skinner “his” pocket watch before declaring that he has never been happier or prouder to be Seymour Skinner and that his past few days as Armin Tamzarian have taught him that he has been a bit too uptight in the past as he says “well from now on you’re going to see a new Seymour Skinner” and loosens his tie to which Agnes promptly snaps “oh no we won’t” which sees Skinner comply with “yes mother” as he straightens his tie back.  Then titles run and we are back to where we started.

IS IT ANY GOOD:
It’s OK but it doesn’t make sense and thus it is a much derided episode.  That said it isn’t much different to the origin of Don Draper in Mad Men which those guys have got away with.

WHAT IT TAUGHT ME:
I guess the message of this episode is that it is wrong to pass yourself off and pretend to be another person.  It is a picture assessment of identity and the importance of being genuine.  However what it personally taught was more about the reaction of people when they feel they have been duped.  The most chilling moment for me is Marge’s shun of Armin in the Kwik-E-Mart.  Marge!  Marge is the most forgiving lady in existence (well, in suggested existence).  When women decide I guess.

EXTERNAL REFERENCES:
The kids sing a modified version of the Flipper theme.  Also anything Martin Sheen and Vietnam can only bring about thought of Apocalypse Now.

BEST LINES:
“Miss Hoover, which one is oral?”  “Principal Skinner is an old man that lives at the school”.  “When I grow up I want to be a principal or a caterpillar”.

BEST JOKES:
Chief Wiggum goes to the tribute event with his own fork and plate and Homer’s roll call explanation for driving a full car to Capital City.

PERIPHERAL MOMENT:
In 1966 Skinner enlisted in the army and shipped out to Vietnam.  His eventual rank was platoon sergeant.  Spring Elementary normally only serves cake on Thursdays.  Seymour Skinner is a member of the Radio Shack Battery Club.  Skinner has a souvenir from his trip to upstate New York of ten Canadian dollars.  He owns a Stor-U-Stuff storage unit.  Bart’s version of the Pledge Of Allegiance goes “Hey America, you’re so fine, you’re so fine, you blow my mind, America”.  433 Street in Capital City is Tamzarian’s old neighbourhood.  Now it is home to Topless Nudes nightclub.  Armin owns a porno mag called Swank.

REALITY CROSSOVER:
Back to Marge’s shun of Armin.  I have felt that frost, often from things I have said/written on the internet.  It’s actually a very revelatory moment.  People can turn, people will turn, people do turn.  Even the ones you think the nicest.

MVP:
It has to be Armin Tamzarian.  His performance is dense and pained, displaying a new side of Skinner that is seldom seen.

GUEST APPEARANCES:
Martin Sheen is the real Seymour Skinner.  Is this perhaps the story of what happened next for Benjamin Willard?  And in that case, does that make the existing Seymour Skinner his Kurtz?

SONGS:
Only the kids singing “They Call Him Skinner” to the Flipper theme music.

EPISODE LINKS:
No explicit links, this is a very stand alone episode.

PERCULARITIES:
The whole episode is peculiar.  So what happened to the real Seymour Skinner when the train stops?  Why doesn’t he return to Springfield to sought reparation?

BART ON THE BLACKBOARD:
There is no blackboard.

OTHER:
Ralph has some pretty good lines in this baby.

FINAL WORDS:
I maintain that this plot was lifted by Mad Men as Harry Crane (Jon Hamm) adopts/steals the identity of Don Draper.